All Great Things ‘As Seen on TV’

I love infomercials. I’ll admit it. I am the proud owner of a Snuggie, a Chia Pet, a ShamWow, a Perfect Brownie Pan and other various “As Seen on TV” products. It’s not really my fault, though—those commercials make every product seem like so much fun. Who wouldn’t want to curl up in a cozy pink blanket but still have your hands free to hold your book? Who isn’t amazed by the prospect of perfectly square brownies that glide effortlessly out of the pan? Everyone on TV has perfect skin, everyone is smiling and everyone is in great shape. I want to live among the TV people.
The fact is, everything looks better on a 42-inch screen. On television, you can’t tell that a product is made of flimsy plastic that will break in five seconds, or that the people on the exercise equipment have been going to the gym every day for the last 15 years. However, despite several bad purchases, I still get sucked in by the commercials for all the things I never realized I needed. I’m beginning to think this is a genetic disorder; my mom recently told me she absolutely had to have a hair straightener she saw on TV. It has revolving plates and promises to individually polish each strand of her hair.
My friends all talk about how once they turn 18, they’re going to run out and buy lottery tickets or pursue other unsavory activities. I plan on calling the 800 number at the bottom of my screen to order my very own Bedazzler.
Maybe this is why my parents won’t let me have a credit card.